It drives me crazy. How can I get her to back off without hurting her feelings?

The question

My mother’s driving me crazy with her criticism of my parenting.

She’s always saying we spoil our children, going on and on about how she did it in her day, and so on.

I actually blew up at her on Mother’s Day and I feel incredibly guilty. I love her to death, but it makes me crazy when she criticizes me about my kids. I think I’m doing a good job. How can I get her to back off without hurting her feelings?

The answer

Well, on the one hand, don’t even get me started about how annoying unsolicited parenting advice can be.

For years I was a stay-at-home dad.

Moms complain about all the unsolicited advice they get from random busybodies, sanctimonious babushkas and Nosy Parkers on the street.

But imagine, ladies, when they got a load of me!

A huge, stubbled, confused-looking man pulling a bottle of “express milk” out of the cargo pocket of his army pants and jamming it in the craw of his screaming, tomato-faced kid, trying to shut him up.

The babushka would freeze, her hump tingling with anticipation. Her whole life - all 176 years of it - was a preparation for this moment. Throwing herself in the path of my stroller, she would point an ancient, crooked finger like a gnarly old oak twig at my then-infant son, Nicholas (who’s now a brilliant, beautiful, eminently sensible and exquisitely sensitive 11-year-old, by the way, babushkas of the world), and croak out her edict: “Your baby cold! Needs another layer!”

Or - and this one would always kill me - “He needs his mommy!”

That line was like a knife in my heart, would make me want to drop to my knees, clutch the hem of the babushka’s traditional mourning garment and sob: “No, babushka, no … don’t say … that …”

But all I ever did was smile and say: “Thank you for your input. You’ve certainly given me something to think about.” And roll Nick away with a frozen rictus of faux gratitude affixed to my kisser.

Why? Because, ladies, that became, in time, my policy.

At first, I would bristle and argue; but I came to realize there was no point, it was a fruitless waste of energy. People who love giving free, unsolicited advice are not going to change their ways just because you act haughty and say something frosty. All you do is create friction and bad blood.

And sometimes, horribly, the busybodies actually have a point. If you drop the bristling and listen, from time to time you can get good advice, even in this unsolicited, off-the-street format.

It can be tough to implement this “smile and say thanks” policy, I know - especially, I found, in the face of parenting wisdom from people who don’t actually have kids themselves.

And FYI, having “nieces and nephews” does not confer expert parenting status on you, people. Anyone can be an uncle. You come in, distribute a few presents, a toy or two, some loose change, maybe bust a couple of magic tricks, then leave on a high note, bidding adieu, pressing your bunched fingers to your lips.

Trust me, there are times we parents would also like to leave on a high note, bidding adieu, pressing our fingers to our lips. But we don’t have that option.

Unlike various aunts and uncles, though, your mother does have a lot of direct parenting experience - from raising you.

Second, parenting has changed unbelievably since her day. And sometimes (like when I go to a restaurant where someone has brought their kids) I think parents of previous generations have a point when they say our kids are spoiled, undisciplined and obnoxious, and we’re too precious with them.

I think of my kids as reasonably well-behaved, but after a weekend in the care of my wife’s parents, I’m amazed at the transformation: When we arrive back home, they file out of the kitchen, in single file, hair parted neatly on one side, seen but not heard, practically addressing my wife, Pam, and I as “Sir” and “Madam.”

Of course, it only lasts until the grandparents’ car disappears down the street, but sometimes one can’t help but wonder: What if they were like that all the time?

Now I’m not qualified to say what way of bringing up kids is better or worse. All children are different and so are all parents. Suffice it to say you could probably learn a lot from your mother if you stopped bristling and being defensive.

But you’re responsible for how your kids turn out. Therefore you have the final say in how to handle them. There is such a thing as being polite yet firm, of saying something such as: “Thanks, Mom, I appreciate it, but I prefer to do it this way.”

Still, you owe her an apology. She gave birth to you in pain and suffering. She had horrible nights and frustrating days with you, as you now know. She compromised her dreams, ideals, figure, social life, rest, independence and so much else to protect you and keep you warm, dry and happy, as you now know.

She’s owed at least one day on which she is honoured with unstinting patience and tolerance. Since you ruined that with your outburst, why not make it up with a bunch of flowers, maybe a nice dinner and a card that reads: “Mom, I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, including and especially bestowing upon me the gift of life.”

Because hey: If she hadn’t done that, you wouldn’t be around to feel irritated, now, would you?

Source: Globe and Mail, Canada
http://tinyurl.com/4ga7bo

Grandmothers are watching in horror as their children turn into over-ambitious, competitive parents with pampered, demanding offspring, according to a new report into how women’s experience of motherhood has changed over the generations.

Baby-boomers who brought up children in a time when they say they were allowed to just ‘get on with it’ say their daughters are being put under huge pressure to rigidly control everything in their own babies’ lives, from food intake and exercise to after-school Mandarin lessons.

‘Women who became mothers in the 1950s to 1970s recalled a time when mothering was more taken for granted and they just “got on with it”,’ said Professor Rachel Thomson, co-director of The Making Of Modern Motherhood report.

‘They didn’t recognise the modern pressure and compulsion on parents to be constantly busy and sociable, taking their children to every class available, being up to date on endless independent research into everything from developmental goals to nutrition while also balancing work and family,’ said Thomson.

She found that grandmothers believed the range of choices available to their daughters not only turned mothering into a competition, but also undermined their daughters’ confidence in their ability to care for their children. ‘The gains offered by this story of progress were dwarfed by the losses in the grandmothers’ eyes,’ she said, ‘including the creation of demanding babies and an intensification of the rhythms of daily life.’

Thomson interviewed mothers as they prepared for the birth of their first child. She then met them a year later, when she also interviewed their grandmothers and great-grandmothers, as well as partners, friends and families.

Vikki White, head of marketing at the Mothers’ Union, was sceptical of the findings. ‘These are very middle-class concerns,’ she said. ‘Modern mothers are stressed by their work/life balance, by the size of their mortgages and by the blame that’s piled on them over the negative bits of youth culture, but I don’t think many are stressed by the choice of whether to take their child to baby massage or baby yoga classes.’

But Juliet Chalk, a mother of two young boys, agreed with the report. ‘Mothers who have been used to taking on the responsibilities of a demanding career have a tendency to approach parenting in the same way. I did it myself with my first child: I endlessly researched the most up-to-date developmental targets, and set goals and deadlines for my children.

‘The pressure on mothers to behave like this hugely increases the stress of parenting,’ she said. ‘We would be far better going back to when we didn’t feel we had to fill up our children’s time with endless classes and distractions.’

Thomson also found that daughters disagreed with their mothers over the pressures of modern parenting. ‘Not all daughters looked to their mothers as sources of advice and authority,’ she said.

Women who had their first babies between 26 and 35 and were more socially mobile than their mothers admitted in the interviews that they paid little attention to their mothers’ fears.

‘They were having such a different experience to their mothers that they were likely to endorse contemporary versions of mothering,’ said Thomson. ‘Instead of turning to their mothers, they relied on peers, books, websites and modern experts. They relished all the choices open to them, believing it all helped them create happy, stimulated children.’

Source: The Observer, UK
http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2008/apr/06/children

Visitors to France who are tempted to admire the impeccable manners and subdued behaviour common among French children may reflect that this result is often obtained at a sinister cost.

French parents are the most heavy-handed in Europe according to a study this week which shows that practically the entire French population suffered a spanking or at least a smack as a child, and nearly nine out of ten adults have administered one.

In addition, nearly a quarter of French parents have slapped their children on the face and 10 per cent admit to punishing their offspring with a “martinet”, a small whip resembling a cat o’ nine tails, according to the Union of Families in Europe (UFE).

The martinet is still widely on sale in France. An alarming 30 per cent of French children said they had been punished with a martinet according to the survey.
The UFE survey of 2,000 French grandparents, parents and children found that within the three generations 95 per cent of adults and 96 per cent of children have been smacked.

It found that 84 per cent of grandparents and 87 per cent of parents have administered the punishment.

Some 58 per cent of grandparents admitted to itching to give their grandchildren an occasional smack.

“The figures are impressive. Basically we have all been smacked. Even more surprising is that most people - even children - think the smacks they got were fair,” said UEF’s Marie-Françoise Sabellico.

According to the study, 62 per cent of grandparents, 64 per cent of parents and 55 per cent of children think that the smacks they received were deserved. (…)

“It is scientifically proven that corporal punishment of all kinds harms the child. A smack is never to improve the child and always to relieve the parent,” said Jacqueline Cornet of the French campaigning group No Hits No Smacks.

The situation does not look likely to improve with future generations. When asked how they planned to discipline their own children when they become parents, 64 per cent of French children responded “the same”.

Source: Scotsman, United Kingdom
http://thescotsman.scotsman.com/international.cfm?id=1914792007

TV parenting programmes do not provide the best advice to parents worried about bringing up their children, a Government minister has warned.

Beverley Hughes, the minister for children, said mothers and fathers needed parenting classes and face-to-face advice from trained professionals to help them through difficulties.

She was speaking at the launch of the new National Academy for Parenting Practitioners, which will train professionals who work with parents in how to offer support. Ms Hughes said parenting TV shows were often “compulsive” viewing but did not provide the whole answer.

She said: “Parenting programmes make for fascinating television, but for real help that makes a difference, parents need support from someone who is properly trained. That is why the new national academy is going to play such an important role.” …

Ms Hughes continued: “There is a clamour from parents for support with their children, and we want them to know that at some stage while their children are growing up it will be perfectly natural to ask for help.”

Parents can often learn from each other while chatting with other mums and dads informally, she said.

“At the same time, parenting classes can replace some of the informal support that may be missing in today’s society,” she said…

Ms Hughes added: “Fathers and grandfathers are really important. We know that strong father figures are role models that can have a beneficial impact on a child’s development. We need to make sure that when children’s centres and schools talk about parents, they don’t just focus on mothers.”

Source: The Press Association
http://ukpress.google.com/article/ALeqM5hFKZXA25HXMcLTsVh1GS8yjLai9g

Take a good look before calling the older gentleman with the small child “grandpa.” He may well be one of the growing breed of older dads.

Just last week, 66-year-old actor Nick Nolte became the proud father of a baby girl, and on Monday music mogul Tommy Mottola, 58, announced the birth of his first child with pop signer Thalia.

These high-profile new dads are prime examples of a growing trend for later-life fatherhood, says educational psychologist and parenting expert Dr. Michele Borba.

“It’s clearly becoming more common, and for a number of reasons,” she says. “A lot of these are start-over dads, which means it’s not their first marriage, while many first-time older dads have held off due to their careers.” …

“Many start-over dads realize they put more time and effort into their jobs than they did with their families the first time around, and realize that was a mistake. So it’s a second chance to get it right,” Borba explains.

Whether it’s a first or second shot at fatherhood, Borba says older dads can outshine their younger counterparts in a number of ways.

“Number one, you get perspective with wisdom and gray hair, meaning you worry less about the little things,” she explains. “Second of all, there’s that little boost called fear of mortality. You get things done.”

Having financial stability and an established career also helps older dads spend more stress-free quality time with their offspring, she says…

Source: New York Daily News, NY
http://tinyurl.com/35bq2m

You can get into trouble when you discipline other people’s children.

It was a lovely day at the park and Stella Bianchi was enjoying the sunshine with her two children when a young boy, aged about four, approached her two-year-old son and pushed him to the ground.

“I’d watched him for a little while and my son was the fourth or fifth child he’d shoved,” she says. “I went over to them, picked up my son, turned to the boy and said, firmly, ‘No, we don’t push.’ ” What happened next was unexpected.

“The boy’s mother ran toward me from across the park,” Stella says. “I thought she was coming over to apologise but instead she started shouting at me for ‘disciplining her child’. All I did was let him know his behaviour was unacceptable. Was I supposed to sit back while her kid did whatever he wanted, hurting other children in the process?”

Getting your own children to play nice is difficult enough. Dealing with other people’s children - nieces, nephews, friends, strangers - has become a minefield. It’s a no-brainer that if the behaviour in question is unsafe or cruel, then stepping in is essential (even if you can’t expect a pat on the back from other parents) - but it’s not always that straightforward.

In my house, jumping on the sofa is not allowed. In my sister’s house it’s encouraged. For me, it’s about learning to respect your surroundings. For her, it’s about kids being kids: “If you can’t do it at three, when can you do it?”

Each of these philosophies is valid and, it has to be said, my son loves visiting his aunt’s house. But I find myself saying “no” a lot when her kids are over at mine. That’s OK when it’s a sister who understands her uptight sibling but becomes dicey territory when you’re talking to the children of friends or acquaintances…

Source: Sydney Morning Herald, Australia
http://tinyurl.com/yprnn2

It’s the end of the school holidays: and what that means, for many British grandparents, is that life is going to be a whole lot quieter. With more and more parents working, grandparents have increasingly been pressed into service as childcarers: according to a recent survey, 64% of families with working parents rely on grandparents for at least some of their childcare, saving an average of around £2,685 a year (that’s a total of £6.8bn nationally).

Ask around, and grandparent-carers will tell you the same tale: they love spending time with their grandchildren, they enjoy being able to see them more than they might otherwise, and they’re happy to be able to help their adult children out (and pleased to save them money). But scratch the surface, and you find there are often niggles, and sometimes even creeping resentments. Grandparents, after all, have their own lives: the Skipton Building Society survey also found that 36% of grandmothers who do some childcare are also juggling paid jobs, at least part-time. Grandparents have friends, and hobbies, and are at a time in their lives when they want to indulge themselves: it doesn’t always feel good to be tied to a child’s routine all over again. There are financial costs - sometimes overlooked by working parents - and there are emotional costs too. And it’s not all plain sailing even from the point of view of the adult children: yes, they’re getting childcare for free, but what about all those sweets the kids are eating all day at Grandma’s? What about the fact that she never takes them to the library, or lets them watch too much telly?

All of which explains why in the US, where around 25% of grandparents care for their grandchildren for up to 29 hours weekly, campaigners are calling for the formalisation of an arrangement that can have huge benefits all round, but also comes with pitfalls. The American Association of Retired People (AARP) says even the most idyllic of situations can go sour if issues aren’t properly worked through: and the fallout for family relationships can be painful, and far-reaching…

Source: Guardian Unlimited, UK
http://society.guardian.co.uk/children/story/0,,2164646,00.html

It’s far too early to know whether education for pre-primary schoolchildren improves their life chances. Think 20 years ahead. How many children now aged four are not going to need the services of a therapist or counsellor?

In 1962 I began work as an educational psychologist in Sydney. I was able to visit the homes of the children who were referred to me and get to know the family well. What puzzled me was why it was that very often, in a group of siblings, only one child was having difficulties.

I would inquire about the life history of each of the siblings, and I would find that the untroubled children had, at an early stage in their life, enjoyed some advantage that the troubled child had not. It might be that the older children had been born before the father had become unemployed or the mother become chronically ill. It might be that that some of the children had spent part of their time with a loving grandmother, while the troubled child had not…

The educational initiatives for pre-primary school children aim to do more than teach cognitive skills. They try to give the children the time and space to think and explore, to be creative and act upon the world. All the time they are surrounded by adults who give them affection, encouragement and praise…

Source: Guardian Unlimited, UK
http://commentisfree.guardian.co.uk/dorothy_rowe/2007/08/early_learning_.html

Society focuses on youth

In the past, grandparents were seen as family historians, mentors, teachers, spiritual guides and role models for aging. Now our society seems to kick this generational role to the curb while focusing on the newest or youngest ideas about parenting, aging and relationships.

According to a study by AARP, 60 million U.S. adults are grandparents, one-third of the adult population. We are losing out on a valuable resource as parents if our children do not have grandparents involved in their lives. I realize that some of us may not have these role models available in our own families, but we should make a commitment to find local grandparents for our kids. With the baby boom generation retiring at record rates, many people are available to teach and mentor our kids in ways that our school system can’t replicate…

I still desperately need my grandmother. She is one of my biggest fans, and her knowledge of my grandfather is something that no one else holds…

Source: The Charlotte Observer
http://www.charlotte.com/409/story/236786.html

Thousands of parents are hiding a guilty secret. They are often completely baffled by their children’s homework. Six out of 10 admitted they struggled to answer their youngster’s questions in a recent study…

One in five adults admitted they thought their children were smarter than they were and one in three said they spent an hour a week on the internet or reading books just to keep up with their children’s education…

It comes as Ofsted, the education watchdog, said grandparents should be encouraged to help out in schools to improve grades, because so many parents are working full-time.

But a parent’s grasp of general knowledge is hardly better than their childrens’, an accompanying test revealed…

Source: Daily Mail
http://tinyurl.com/32r6s3