Lying is something we don’t want our children to do because it undermines trust.

While pre-schoolers can mix up reality and fantasy, by primary school children should know the difference between the two.

There are many reasons why a child may lie. Sometimes it’s to avoid what they see will be unfair punishment. If children see others getting away with lying, they may try it.

Your child may tell stories to others to be cool. Children who tell boastful lies can be lonely, bored or have low self-esteem.

With younger children, it’s sometimes easier to tell when they’re lying. Their story doesn’t sound right or they break into a smile as their plot unravels.

A few simple questions can also reveal a lie. Asking how your child came to have $10 might include some calm, clear questions about when, where, who was with them, or the order of events.

To discourage lying, parents need to discuss it with their children. It’s important your child knows lying is unacceptable, and the effects of it. You could calmly tell your child: “I feel angry and disappointed when you lie. It makes it hard to believe anything you say. If you keep telling lies nobody will trust you.”

Give your child opportunities to be honest and praise them for it. Your positive response to their behaviour will encourage them to repeat their honesty. Tell them you will give them chances to be honest and try it out. For example, if you know they haven’t tidied their room, ask. You will know whether they are being honest.

If your child finds it hard not to tell lies, set up a written contract signed by you and your child. It should state what you expect your child to do and the rewards and consequences that will follow. Put it up on the fridge. If your child lies, the consequences are clearly listed in the contract. As your child learns to not lie, you will no longer need a written contract.

If your child owns up to doing something they know you would not have allowed them to do make sure you praise them for their honesty, before you deal with the misbehaviour. (…)

Source: springfield-news.whereilive.com.au - News Limited Community Newspapers, Australia
http://tinyurl.com/69cklf

In India, students compete for admission into cram schools, where they study intensively in order to compete for admission into India’s highly regarded technology colleges. Their families pay as much as $1,500 a year for this opportunity, which, for many, is a great hardship. In Korea and Japan, students attend after-school classes to boost their chances for college admission.

In the U.S., by contrast, school districts and philanthropists are embarking on ever-more elaborate efforts to persuade students to care about school and to learn basic skills.

Traditionally, educators have tried to awaken intrinsic motivation in students, to engage them in the joy of learning for its own sake and, if that fails, to convince them that getting a good education is crucial to their future success.

Trying to motivate reluctant students, the New York City Department of Education has opened over 200 small high schools with catchy themes, hoping to stir student interest. The newest proposal is the Game High School, where students will play videogames that teach them the skills they need. School will, supposedly, be fun and games, instead of a series of daunting challenges with some occasional drudgery thrown in for good measure.

An even more ambitious bid to motivate low-performing students has been launched by Los Angeles philanthropist Eli Broad, who has provided seed money for a scheme to pay students to show up for school, behave in classes and lift their test scores. Broad has established a $44 million research center at Harvard to design and evaluate pay-for-performance plans for students in New York City, Washington, D.C., and Chicago. The Broad plan is the brainchild of Harvard economist Roland Fryer. Critics predict that student motivation based on cash will end when the cash ends, but the cities involved have jumped on the incentivizing bandwagon.

Hopefully, Fryer will calculate the costs of implementing his ambitious plans–not only in these cities, but across the nation. Chester E. Finn Jr., of the Thomas B. Fordham Institute in Washington, D.C., has estimated that the Chicago portion alone would cost $187 million annually if brought to scale in that city. Add in New York City, Washington, D.C., and a few other cities where performance lags–like Los Angeles, Cleveland and Detroit–and the annual costs are likely to soar into the billions.

This is money that might otherwise be spent reducing class size (New York City has the largest classes in the state), improving test scores and technology and refurbishing obsolete facilities.

Interesting, isn’t it, that while students in other countries are paying $1,500 a year for the chance to learn more, many American students will be paid that same amount just to do what they ought to be doing in their own self-interest?

Does the future belong to those who struggle to better themselves, make sacrifices to do so and work hard? Or to those who must be cajoled and bribed to learn anything at all?

Diane Ravitch is research professor of education at New York University and a senior fellow at the Hoover Institution and the Brookings Institution.

Source: Forbes, NY
http://tinyurl.com/6pq7e7

Kelly and Tim are a lovely young couple with two beautiful children. One of the things that makes this young family especially nice is the behavior of their children. When Tim and Kelly go someplace, they can take their children along knowing that their children won’t disrupt others or play the obnoxious card.

But Kelly says it wasn’t always that way. There was a time when their daughter, Madison, at age three, was a tantrum thrower and as Kelly describes her, a beast. She would throw her hands up in the air and collapse to the ground sobbing. Her behavior would get beyond comprehension and for the finale the shower of tears rained over what had become a major meltdown.

“We tried everything,” says Kelly. Then they decided that her behavior did not go together with all the things that she enjoyed in her little world, so they decided to withdraw her toys and her games and the things she loved to do and show her that tantrums and toys did not go together.

Kelly and Tim slowly emptied her room of every single toy, every single activity down to a bed, a dresser, and one doll to sleep with. Everything went into their garage and was off limits to the child.

If her behavior was good for a day, she could earn a toy back. If she threw a tantrum, she would lose a toy. It was that simple. The child was able, by her own choices, to either enjoy what her parents had graciously given her, or forfeit her luxuries in favor of a tantrum.

Now what does this teach a child? Critics would say that this was cruel and unusual punishment, and that it won’t work because such a punishment holds a child to a level of competence she doesn’t understand.

On the other hand, Kelly is a teacher and Tim has counseling training, and in this very proactive and non-violent scheme, they have taught Madison to control her temper for her own sake. “If you want your toys, you have to make good choices.”

This wonderful educational scheme allowed Madison to make choices and see the result. She traded up - the tantrums for a beautiful life. The training is proactive because it eliminated temptations, excuses, and interference. It simply and completely said, “Here’s the deal. You live up to your end of the bargain, and so will we one toy at a time.”

What Madison learned is that’s the way life is. If you play by the rules, you get the life rewards of doing well. If you let others always take the blame, take the brunt of your temper; nobody will want to play with you.

And what is the result of this three years later? At the time, it took Madison four months to earn all her toys back. Because of this loving training engineered by her parents, she has become a workhorse. Madison works hard at everything she does. She loves being at big school now, and she loves the challenges in front of her, and at the same time, her parents are very proud of their beautifully behaved young lady.

(Editor’s note: Judy Lyden has worked with very young children for over thirty years. She’s been a preschool teacher for over twenty. She co-owns the Garden School, an early childhood academic center, with Edith St. Louis.)

Source: WFIE-TV
http://www.14wfie.com/Global/story.asp?S=7486189&nav=menu54_2/Global/category.asp

A few years ago, a restaurant owner in Chicago caused an uproar by posting a sign that read:

Children of all ages have to behave and use their indoor voices.

I wouldn’t think anyone needs a sign to state the obvious, but in this age of permissive parenting, they do. Offended mothers mounted a boycott! They were shocked that anyone would dare insinuate their children didn’t have every right to climb onto the counter and start waving salt shakers over their heads.

Their contention? Perhaps it’s a display of their individuality through creative dance, and besides, “it makes little Taylor happy.”

Too often we expect others to do as we say and not as we do. Dinner service in a crowded restaurant is slow, and you snap at the waiter. You’re running out the door when the phone rings; so you grab it and say, “What do you want? I’m busy.” Do you treat friends and strangers with equal consideration?

Even if your manners are generally good, everyone slips from time to time, which gives parents the chance to highlight their own mistakes in front of their children, own up to them, and say how they will change their behavior in the future. If we model good manners, our children will be quick studies.

My own children haven’t always been angels, but when they err I immediately point it out and have them correct their behavior. At times I have made them apologize to the people that might have been bothered by their behavior. Because of that, there are numerous times on airplanes and in restaurants where employees will actually thank my husband and me for having such well-behaved children. I actually think this highlights the plight of manners in our society. I constantly have to correct their manners, and the thought that they are better than most is pretty scary!

While punishing bad behavior is necessary, there should also be a focus on acknowledging good behavior. One waitress came to our table and, in front of our children, detailed the bad behavior and poor manners of children who had been at a nearby table. She then thanked our children for behaving so well.

I think it really made an impact on them to hear it from someone else. They realized that good manners do matter to more people than just their parents! (And what do parents know anyway?) That said, it’s just as important to hear it from Mom and Dad.

E.D. Hill is a FOX News Channel host and author of “I’m Not Your Friend, I’m Your Parent.” She has eight children.

Source: FOXNews
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,429727,00.html

When my daughter was 10 she would sometimes say, “You’re not the boss of me!” This would always make me stop and think about the tone of voice I was using with her. Was I demanding that she do things or was I asking her politely?

Being bossy has nothing to do with setting rules. You can have rules and expect your children to follow them without treating them as if what they think doesn’t matter.

“I am my children’s mother and I should have the right to tell them what to do and have them snap to it,” a mother said to me the other day.

For starters, no one likes to be told what to do. And no one likes to do what they are told if the person bossing them around has the “I’m-the-big-dog-deal-with-it” kind of attitude.

Unless children understand what is expected, they won’t know how to act.

Parents need to be aware of how often they point out to their children all the incorrect things they say and do.

Just like in business, when you don’t let the people around you know you appreciate their hard work and only point out the mistakes they make, the group will get discouraged.

I’ve heard parents say, “How can I say anything positive to my child when his behavior lately is mostly negative?”

It might not be easy, but by finding at least one positive thing to say to your child every day, you will be changing the course of his behavior.

And most importantly, they are always willing to give and accept apologies, which creates a more peaceful home environment. (…)

Source: Monitor
http://www.themonitor.com/opinion/children_17315___article.html/say_know.html

Children can be very calculating. Just ask economist, author and father of three Joshua Gans.

The University of Melbourne professor has written text books for students, but now he has a growing following of parents, grandparents and other victims of tantrum-throwing toddlers and testing teenagers.

His latest work, Parentonomics, was launched at Federation Square yesterday, on the final day of the Melbourne Writers Festival.

This is not an academic endeavour, but the result of Professor Gans’ attempt to apply key economic principles to raising his children.

“To be sure, I experimented on the kids, but it was general stuff and not limited to economics,” he told the audience. “It’s almost a memoir — a bunch of stories on how I approached parenting issues.”

Professor Gans found his nine-year-old daughter responded to incentives.

“She has base motivations, most notably food, and you can get her to do anything with the promise of food,” he said. “Incentives is the basis of economics — getting the price right and doing a deal.”

He even advocates negotiating with babies over sleep.

“I know it’s a bit controversial because a lot of people say the baby’s needs come first,” he said. “But parents have needs too and that means getting a baby to understand crying doesn’t get them everything.”

He said many people wrongly expect his book to detail the costs of raising children.

The closest he gets to that subject is talking about the stress birthday parties put on the family budget.

“You might want all the kids to come to your party, but it’s at a cost to the other 25 families,” he said.

“And you have to repay it. That means every weekend you’re off to a birthday party. It’s just terrible. Sometimes there’s two in one day.

“Thank God for this launch because we got out of three children’s parties as a result,” he said.

Source: The Age, Australia
http://www.theage.com.au/national/how-to-bargain-for-peace-and-quiet-20080831-46fh.html

If your kids are behaving badly treat them like a dog, says Battersea Dogs Home behaviour expert

It’s a common scenario for many a harassed mother - you’re in the supermarket and your little darling starts playing up.

But forget the naughty step or cool-off corner.

The best way to handle misbehaving toddlers is to treat them like a dog, according to advice from a leading animal charity.

They claim that, because young children and animals are unable to communicate verbally, both need to be shown what is and is not acceptable behaviour.

Pat Moore, deputy head of behaviour at Battersea Dogs & Cats Home, said: ‘Becoming a dog owner or a new parent puts people under pressure.

‘Neither puppies nor toddlers can be expected to immediately know how to behave in certain situations and need clear, consistent guidance.

This works on the theory that rewarding good behaviour - through verbal praise, physical affection or treats such as sweets and toys - is far more effective than punishing bad behaviour.

The charity’s advice, which is revealed in next week’s Paws magazine, adds that controlling how often these treats are given and matching the ‘value’ of the reward to behaviour is also important.

‘When training the dogs at Battersea we use a mixture of rewards including tasty treats for really good behaviour,’ the article says.

‘If you use the best treats all the time - such as a chew - it loses its value and isn’t so attractive.

”While we aren’t child psychologists, it seems that parents should act in a similar way, keeping a range of rewards for different circumstances.

‘Behaving well on a shopping trip may result in a trip to the playground or a packet of sweets - it wouldn’t usually mean buying a very expensive toy.’

If a child is possessive about their toys, in the same a dog can be with a ball, the key is to distract their attention by exchanging the item for something equally tempting.

Attention-seeking behaviour also needs to be dealt with consistently.

One frazzled mother who worked from home found her daughter had a tantrum every time she was told to be quiet during a conference call.

Instead of bribing the girl with toys or sweets, the woman was advised to use dog handling techniques instead.

Alison Russell, another behaviourist at Battersea, said: ‘When we have a dog, for example, that jumps up and barks to get attention, we try to avoid the behaviour in the first place by setting up a game with them well ahead of time.

‘The important thing is not to interact with them when they are behaving badly as they will start to play up just to get your attention.

‘Dogs mature far more quickly into adulthood than humans but both species have a “socialising” period and it is in this early stage that they form an impression of the world and how to cope with it.

‘Child psychology and dog behaviour are, of course, complex and very individual subjects but there are also some startling similarities between them which can be tackled with simple behavioural techniques.’

Sue Atkins, parenting coach and author of Raising Happy Children for Dummies, said that - in basic terms - she agreed with the advice.

‘It’s an interesting question and I have laughed at times about the similarities between puppies and children,’ she added.

‘In the sense of who’s in control and knowing what you want to communicate, I would agree with what is being said.

‘Obviously you don’t want to take the analogy too far, but on a basic level you can make comparisons.’

There’s a good boy

Helen Tennant, 39, lives with her two-year-old son Archie in South West London.

She said: ‘I was in the office at Battersea Dogs & Cats Home discussing the problem I was having with my son Archie, who was then 16 months old.

‘Basically, he was very possessive over his toys and wouldn’t give them up even when it was bed or bath time.

‘It was becoming a real struggle to get his favourite toy, a digger, off him.

‘One of the behaviourists suggested I try the same training methods they used, where they exchanged a dog’s toy for something else.

‘At bed time, I made fuss of an alternative toy - a teddy - and it worked like a dream.

‘Archie lost interest in his digger straight away and insisted on taking the teddy to bed with him instead.’

Source: Mail on Sunday, UK
http://tinyurl.com/6aqu6w

Children who are smacked or yelled at are much more likely to develop serious mental health problems by the age of three, research reveals.

A study of more than 700 toddlers found that those who were harshly disciplined by their parents were at much higher risk of depression and anxiety in later life. Disobedience and aggression were also common problems for infants who had been smacked or screamed at.

The study by Melbourne’s Murdoch Children’s Research Institute showed that parental stress could also have a huge impact on infant mental health.

Children from all walks of life were studied at the age of seven months, then followed up every six months until the age of three.

Researcher Jordana Bayer, a child psychologist, said up to 50% of early behavioural problems persisted through childhood. “In early childhood, behavioural problems such as hitting and kicking and biting and saying no are very common. But if they’re at high levels by preschool age then up to half will go on through childhood and lead potentially into adolescence with conduct disorder and drug use and depression and so on,” Dr Bayer said.

“It’s important for parents to pay attention to when young children behave well and actually reward that behaviour with praise and hugs.”

The findings, published in the latest edition of the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, will be used to develop family support programs.

Murdoch researcher and pediatrician Harriet Hiscock said doctors working with children should always ask about the parents’ stress levels. “There are ways to help reduce this stress and help parents manage their child’s behaviour in more calm and consistent ways.”

Source: The Age, Australia
http://www.theage.com.au/national/childs-mental-health-at-risk-from-tough-love-20080729-3mvf.html

I was going to write about something entirely different this week but the passionate response I received from readers to my last post got me thinking further about this matter, specifically the way we discipline our kids today compared to in the past.

I was honestly surprised to discover how many of you felt that smacking was a necessary step in disciplining your children. But I was even more surprised that it was not just the older generation saying this but parents of young children.

Certainly there were many readers who felt, as I do, that smacking a child is wrong for the reasons I pointed out. However, just as many felt that the lack of smacking was part of the ’soft’ approach to parenting that is contributing to a generation of spoilt, badly behaved, disrespectful children.

I don’t wish to generalise about children today as the vast majority of them are bright, inquisitive, loving and well-behaved (most of the time!) However, it is undeniable that the behaviour you would find at your local school is very different now to 30 years ago when smacking and even the cane was accepted practice.

So it begs the question, have we gone too soft? And has the decline in physical punishment played a part, or has something else changed?

Personally, I wonder if rather than it being a smack that kids are crying out for these days it is our time? If we have become so stressed and busy in our complicated lives we’re depriving our children of the one thing they so desperately need, our attention.

One of the comments on the previous blog stated that while physical punishment is not ideal, emotional punishment such as verbal abuse can be far more damaging and I wholeheartedly agree. But I believe even more damaging is the child who receives no punishment at all because nobody noticed the behaviour in the first place.

Maybe the kids we complain about who roam the streets causing trouble would benefit from a smack, not because of the smack, but because it meant someone cared enough to punish them.

You have to wonder if we’ve gone from one extreme to the other, from imposing punishments that were overly harsh to having no consequences at all. Or are we better parents than the previous generation because we have learnt to respect our children’s rights and allow them opinions and choices?

I guess I sit somewhere in the middle. I don’t want to be too ’soft’ and let my son run free with no rules or limits, but I also want to allow him to express his feelings even if it means the occasion tantrum is the result of it. I know some days I feel like throwing one!

Interestingly, many of you commented that often the best way to dissolve a toddler tantrum is to talk to your child and see what the problem is rather than punishing the naughty behaviour. But couldn’t we apply this to disruptive behaviour from a child of any age?

If you looked into the background of a teenager who is fighting at school you would most likely find some serious emotional issues hidden under all that aggression. Thirty years ago that child would probably have been given the cane and a stern talking to. These days they would most likely be expelled, leaving them to fall between the cracks, branded as a failure and set for an uphill battle to prove otherwise. As much as I abhor the thought of the cane you do have to wonder which is potentially more damaging to that child’s future.

I certainly don’t claim to be an expert, but in my opinion using praise to reward a child for good behaviour is a powerful tool. I believe children inherently want to do well to make us proud and will do whatever it takes to capture and hold our attention. So it stands to reason if they get more of our focus when they do the wrong thing than when they behave they will act up every time, whether they are two or fifteen.

On the other hand, you don’t want to praise them so much they end up with an over inflated ego thinking they can do no wrong. Perhaps some of the kids we see auditioning for Australian Idol could have benefited from a little more honesty and a little less praise! It’s all about balance.

That’s the thing with parenting, there’s no manual, no right or wrong way and you don’t get a second chance. You just do the best you can with what you know at the time and hope like hell it is enough. The only thing I know for sure of is you can never say ‘I love you’ too much, or hug too many times. That is the one thing that will never change.

Source: Sydney Morning Herald, Australia
http://tinyurl.com/4xwywf

As children learn to get in touch with their feelings some educators believe it could lead to depression, reports Anna Patty.

School children no longer stop at asking friends to take sides in a playground argument. In Europe, the United States and Australia they are now being taught to analyse what caused their relationships to break down.

They’re also being shown how to express their feelings instead of simply turning their backs on someone who has offended them. And an “E” on their report cards no longer indicates failure in a traditional school subject but rates the level of empathy they show their fellow students.

At best, say educationists, the positive psychology movement that is sweeping through schools may develop more emotionally literate teenagers. At worst, they say it may create a generation of fragile, self-obsessed and depressed children.

Geelong Grammar in Victoria has appointed an American happiness guru, Professor Martin Seligman, to train teachers and staff so they can help students become more resilient. The school is also pouring $16 million into a Wellbeing Centre that will house medical and sporting facilities to promote yoga, Pilates and counselling.

Seligman, from the University of Pennsylvania, is the author of Authentic Happiness and a major force behind the positive psychology movement that has permeated education systems throughout the world, including Australia.

“From the perspective of the teacher, the ability to manage a student’s emotions and help them to calm down contributes most to high levels of social and emotional health,” he said.

Parents aside, the emphasis on schools stepping into the breach is strong. In the public school system, the Federal Government has introduced a primary schools’ mental health program called Kids Matter, in partnership with Beyondblue, the Australian Psychological Society, Rotary and school principal organisations. Now in its second year, it is being trialled in 100 primary schools and is yet to be evaluated. In secondary schools, a teachers’ resource called Mind Matters aims to encourage better mental health in students.

The Beyondblue representative on Kids Matter, Brian Graetz, says the pilot project will be assessed at the end of this year.

“We’ve been encouraged by the signs we have had so far,” he said, adding that the feedback was mostly anecdotal.

Kids Matter gives schools resources to develop their own programs according to a framework endorsed by the international Collaborative for Academic Social and Emotional Learning, whose mission is to “establish social and emotional learning as an essential part of education”.

Graetz said Kids Matter had adopted CASEL’s five key areas of self-awareness, social awareness, self-management, responsible decision making and relationship skills. “Kids with better social and emotional skills have better mental health and well being and do better academically,” he says.

“The school environment is a good place to learn these skills as the students have a chance to develop and practice with peers.”

Whether schools are successful in doing this is contentious.

Acknowledging Carol Craig’s research from Scotland, Graetz says “with anything, you can do it badly. But that is not likely to happen if you have the right professional support and resources. We think there are good grounds to get some research up to see whether these programs are improving the skills they are targeting.”

Other schools are combining old traditions, such as community service, with a modern twist. At MLC Burwood in Sydney, students are encouraged to volunteer - the idea is they experience the value in giving to others, which eclipses the fleeting pleasure of pursuing material goals.

The school’s principal, Barbara Stone, says students are encouraged to explore and develop their emotional intelligence. Not only are they graded on maths and English, their student report cards also evaluate their progress in developing empathy towards their fellow students.

“I think the positive psychology movement has a lot to give to good teaching practice,” Stone says. “I don’t see there is any evidence that focus on self or well being develops into narcissistic behaviour.

“We have found that the more we can work with children and very young ones to understand why they do what they do, then the better they are able to articulate the difficulties they get into with relationships and the better they can work beyond those.”

Another popular program in schools is Bounce Back, for kindergarten to year 8 students, developed by two educational psychologists, Dr Helen McGrath and Dr Toni Noble.

Bexley Public School is one of the NSW primary schools using Bounce Back, which relies on discussions about children’s literature to explore such values as courage and loyalty.

Graham Newmarch co-ordinates the program at Bexley Public and said his pupils recently discussed The Boy Who Cried Wolf as a lesson about honesty.

“We discuss what honesty means with the kids and ask them for practical examples of how it works in their life,” Newmarch says. “Sometimes we do role play and look at scenarios like being punished for something you didn’t do, to have a discussion about fairness.”

McGrath, from Deakin University in Victoria, says the Bounce Back program aims to encourage emotional, social, physical and mental health in children. She is sceptical about the Geelong Grammar project because it is being designed by a psychologist, not an educator. But she strongly endorses the use of SEAL in schools.

“I think you can teach the skills that can lead to well-being in school,” she says. “It is about self-regulation, being able to manage yourself in terms of emotions and goal setting, relationship skills, responsible decision making, moral values, self-awareness, knowing your strengths and building on them.”

She also believes that anti-bullying programs in schools have been successful in helping build a culture of support and respect.

“However, what the anti-bullying initiative perhaps didn’t have enough of was coping skills and emotional literacy skills - understanding your emotions and those of others. Some programs are bits and pieces.”

Tom Alegounarias heads the NSW Institute of Teachers, which accredits teacher education courses, and says he is wary of teaching students specific social skills apart from other subjects.

“Dealing with self-esteem issues in schools independently from issues of achievement in core learning can be artificial,” Alegounarias says. “Students know what is valued by schools and the broader community and that includes learning and social inclusion. To the extent that self-esteem and well-being can be helped at school, these issues are key.”

Roslyn Arnold, a professor and former head of the school of education at the University of Tasmania and the University of Sydney, holds some concerns about the explicit teaching of emotional skills in schools.

“It is absolutely crucial. Just aligning your face as a teacher with that of a student, and face-on noticing them, has an enormous influence.”

Source: Sydney Morning Herald, Australia
http://tinyurl.com/6bzgwl