‘A fox could bite my bottom’: Childhood worries and anxieties may be influenced by the anxieties of their parents

I grew up in the 1970s. To me it seemed a pretty anxious era. The Cold War, unemployment, staggering blindly around the house during power-cuts. Yet today, research shows, we are more anxious than ever. Children in particular are feeling the impact.

A recent report found that children as young as 8 are worried about the world today and a third of 10 and 11-year-olds are concerned about the credit crunch. And the Government has just announced that schools are to receive an extra £4.5 million to teach students about terrorism and violent extremism.

Against this backdrop, psychologists at Sussex University have embarked on research into the role that parents may play in transmitting anxiety to their children. At the Sussex University psychology lab, Isaac Maltby, 9, approaches with trepidation two cardboard boxes labelled “quoll” and “cuscus”.

A researcher asks if he’d like to stroke the animals inside. Isaac boldly puts his hand into the hole in the quoll’s box. Approaching the cuscus he is more circumspect, inserting his hand slowly, pulling it out again quickly.

His mother, Candida Maltby, 40, looks even more nervous when she comes into the room. “OK,” she murmurs, inching her fingertips in. “Feels still asleep to me,” she adds, swiftly pulling back.

Over the previous hour, Isaac and Candida have taken part in tests aimed at investigating how Candida’s feelings about these unusual animals might affect how confident her son is about them. When he was first told about the cuscus, Isaac sounded curious, keen to stroke one. As his mother’s trepidation became clear, so he, too, became more cautious.

Though the research is still incomplete, it looks likely to show scientifically what many parents feel instinctively: that children not only take seriously what their parents say about potential dangers, but are equally alert to more subtle, non- verbal clues. As Dr Andy Field, of Sussex University, puts it: “Do anxious parents give visual cues to their children that are anxiety-provoking? And do they overlook signs of anxiety in their children?”

Other adults can also let children down, particularly when it comes to social anxiety. “You have teachers saying things such as: ‘this child doesn’t really engage’. If I hear that, I think: they want to engage, but they’re anxious,” Dr Field says.

A child’s early environment can also be important, says Graham Music, child psychotherapist at the Tavistock Clinic, London. “Recent research has shown that maternal anxiety can be transmitted in utero; stress hormones can be transmitted across the placenta. As they grow up, children are often emotional barometers of their environments.”

There are times, though, when a child can have extremely high levels of anxiety, but may not show it. Music says: “Attachment experiments show that one-year-olds who don’t cry when their mothers leave them alone in a room, and who seem not to care, often have the same physiological signs of stress as the babies who cry out when left.” While some children might go into a “cut-off, almost dissociated state”, others “become very reactive to almost every stimulus, and these often become out-of-control children”.

What’s the best advice for most of us, when we find ourselves confronted by a fearful child? Sam Cartwright-Hatton, of Manchester University, says that the first thing to do is to check your general parenting environment. “For a sensitive child, things need to be calm, clear, warm and consistent. Avoid shouting and smacking.”

Show confidence to your children, even if you don’t feel it. “If you’re scared of dogs, try not to leap 6ft in the air. Keep calm.” And monitor what you tell children - whether about the environment, the economy or creepy-crawlies.

If all else fails, contact your GP and ask for professional help. “Beware the advice that children just grow out of anxieties,” she says. “They usually don’t.”

ANXIETY TIMELINE

0-2 YEARS Unusual situations, water, heights, not being around care-givers, fears about survival.

3-5 YEARS Ghosts, goblins, nightmares, monsters under the bed, increasing awareness of threat in the immediate environment.

5-8 YEARS Animals, growing awareness of the real threat in the immediate environment. Children of this age are aware that, while very mobile, they are still small and vulnerable.

9-11 YEARS Personal injury, fears of injections, breaking arms and legs.

11-13 YEARS Social anxieties, social phobias, fears about one’s place in the hierarchy, fears of being cast out if you don’t have the “right” clothes or trainers.

What children really fear

Elsie, 3 “I get scared when someone says they don’t want to be my friend and they don’t want to play with me any more.”

Charlie, 5 “In the daytime foxes have gone to bed but when they come out at night, a fox could bite my bottom.”

Millie, 5 “I am a bit scared of carrots. I used to be scared of pear but now I know it is nice.”

Maddie, 6 “I always tuck the duvet under my legs when I go to sleep because I don’t want snakes to eat my feet. When I was little the snakes got in and ate my feet.”

Jess, 6 “In the night, when everyone’s asleep, I can hear footsteps going up the stairs and I feel scared. I think there’s kind of a monster creeping up the stairs.”

Josh, 8 “It’s scary to think of the pollution destroying all the rainforest so the animals haven’t got anything to eat and then the plants will die and the human race will die.”

Nye, 9 “I don’t like burglars. When there’s a loud noise upstairs I always think that there’s a burglar breaking in.”

Ira, 10 “I’m scared of hookworms and tapeworms. I hate the thought of having one in my body because they worm their way into you and live inside you.”

Tula, 11 “I worry about all the people in Africa dying and I feel I should be doing something about it. I also worry about my house setting on fire.”

Lemar, 12 “I want to drive a car when I’m older, so I worry about petrol prices and more people driving electric cars which are really dangerous and will cause road deaths because people won’t hear them.”

Amy, 13 “It scares me thinking that one day I might get so old that I lose my sense of humour and no one wants to be friends with me because I’m no fun.”

Source: Times Online, UK
http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article5124499.ece

Children are struggling at school because they don’t know if they are left or right-handed

The proportion of infants arriving at school not knowing whether they are right or left-handed has trebled in the past decade, researchers say. The situation has been made worse by excessive parental fears, driven by cot death, about letting them lie or crawl on their front.

“The most important thing parents can do is ensure that when they are being observed during the day, they are given a chance to be on their front.” Previous research by Portwood has found that 57% of three-year-olds are unable to carry out tasks expected at their age. She cited children’s inactive lifestyles as “a major contributory factor”.

Other experts have also raised concerns about children’s development. “Brain development is at its most rapid between the age of zero and three,” said Aric Sigman, a psychologist and a fellow of the Royal Society of Medicine. He pointed to research showing that for every hour a day a three-year-old watches television, there is a 9% rise in attention problems.

Sigman has described television as “the greatest unacknowledged public health issue of our time”. He also believes video games have led to children spending less time working with their hands and failing to grasp concepts such as weight, volume and measurement.

“By using your hands, you can actually become more civilised,” said Sigman. “These are problems likely to persist in life, they are rather indelible.”

The problem was highlighted at the Conservative party conference when a restaurateur told a session addressed by David Willetts, the shadow skills secretary, that she was unable to find British employees under 25 who had the dexterity to peel a potato.

Source: Times Online, UK
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/education/article5114484.ece

We now have new evidence, after the publication of a study in Human Reproduction, that women who are severely depressed during pregnancy are at much higher risk of giving birth prematurely.

The recent report is one of a handful of scientific studies to document the association between maternal depression and premature birth. But it’s the most important to date because of its size and the large, representative group of women sampled.

Previous research suggests that 9 to 12 percent of women become clinically depressed during pregnancy. The question, of course, is why a mother’s mental state would affect the timing of a birth.

No one knows for sure. But experts speculate that depression affects a woman’s neuroendocrine system, which in turn affects the hormones circulating in her body, which in turn affects the functioning of the placenta that nourishes the infant.

“To sustain a healthy pregnancy, normal placental function is essential,” said Dr. De-Kun Li, a reproductive and perinatology epidemiologist at Kaiser Permanente in Northern California and lead author of the report. “Potentially, depression can lead to malfunction of the placenta,” he suggested.

Indeed, there is increasing evidence that something along these lines occurs with women who experience stress during pregnancy.

Dr. Diane Ashton, deputy medical director for the March of Dimes, notes that stress can alter a woman’s immune function, leading to “increased susceptibility to intra-amniotic infection or inflammation.” Research studies indicate these infections may play an important role in pre-term births.

Also, Ashton says, maternal stress can jump-start the production of “fight or flight” hormones like cortisol, which in turn can prematurely activate placental hormones that can set off a cascade of events leading to premature birth.

Even if a baby is born full term, being bathed in cortisol in utero can affect fetal brain development, research shows.

Dr. Laura Miller, director of the women’s mental health program at the University of Illinois at Chicago Medical Center, said research shows that children of stressed-out pregnant women can be affected at least to age 10.

These children often have hyper-reactive responses, physiologically and emotionally, and have “greater difficulty dealing with stress,” she says. Also, infants of stressed mothers can be “more irritable and difficult to soothe” and demonstrate “poorer growth and increased risk of infection,” she notes.

As for maternal depression, it may operate through similar mechanisms – by altering similar hormones and producing similar physiological responses – or it may not. The research necessary to clarify what’s happening hasn’t yet been done.

We don’t know, either, if it makes a difference at what point during a pregnancy a mom becomes depressed (the Human Reproduction report studied only moms who reported depressed symptoms in the first trimester) or how long the depression lasts.

Miller suggests the take-home message for moms is “depression during pregnancy can be prevented, and if a woman suspects she might be at risk she really should strongly consider pre-conception counseling.”

Factors that can put women at risk include previous bouts of depression and a family history of maternal depression.

For women who are considering pregnancy but have concerns about mental health, there are several therapeutic options, including psychotherapy, strengthening social supports, and medication, Miller notes. For those who become depressed during pregnancy, these options remain, but the profile of potential benefits and risks differs, depending on the type of depression a woman has and other factors.

Since surveys show that most ob/gyns don’t feel comfortable treating depression, it’s important to find a medical expert who is prepared to help. Be honest about what you’re feeling and ask your ob/gyn directly if she’s the right person to offer assistance.

Among the questions that Miller suggests: “Have you had experience treating depression during a pregnancy?” “Do you have special training in working with pregnant women who are depressed?” “Do you refer people with these kinds of problems to a psychiatrist – and, if so, can I get a referral?”

Source: Chicago Tribune, United States
http://newsblogs.chicagotribune.com/triage/2008/10/depression-and.html

Although school has been back for less than a month, it is likely that many children are already experiencing frustration and confusion in math class. Research at The University of Western Ontario in London, Canada could change the way we view math difficulties and how we assist children who face those problems.

Daniel Ansari is an assistant professor and Canada Research Chair in Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience in the Department of Psychology at Western. He is using brain imaging to understand how children develop math skills, and what kind of brain development is associated with those skills.

Research shows that many children who experience mathematical difficulties have developmental dyscalculia – a syndrome that is similar to dyslexia, a learning disability that affects a child’s ability to read. Children with dyscalculia often have difficulty understanding numerical quantity. For example, they find it difficult to connect abstract symbols, such as a number, to the numerical magnitude it represents.

“Research shows that many children have both dyslexia and dyscalculia. We are now exploring further the question of exactly what brain differences exist between those who have just math problems and those who have both math and reading difficulties,” says Ansari.

Using functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (fMRI) to study the brains of children with math difficulties, Ansari says that it becomes clear that children with developmental dyscalculia show atypical activation patterns in a part of the brain called the parietal cortex.

This research holds tremendous promise for people who, in the past, had simply accepted that they are ‘not good at math.’ Understanding the causes and brain correlates of dyscalculia may help to design remediation tools to improve the lives of children and adults with the syndrome.

A report of this research is forthcoming in the Journal of Experimental Child Psychology.

“We have some cultural biases in North America around math skills,” says Ansari. “We think that people who are good at math must be exceptionally intelligent, and even more dismaying and damaging, we have an attitude that being bad at math is socially acceptable. People who would never dream of telling others they are unable to read, will proclaim publicly they flunked math.”

Ansari says that math skills are hugely important to life success and children who suffer math difficulties may avoid careers that, with help, might be a great fit for them.

An article by Ansari entitled “The Brain Goes to School: Strengthening the Education-Neuroscience Connection,” will be published in the upcoming Education Canada, the magazine of the Canadian Education Association. In the article Ansari says technological advances such as fMRI have provided unprecedented insights into the working of the human brain.

“A teacher who understands brain structure and function will be better equipped to interpret children’s behaviours, their strengths and weaknesses, from a scientific point of view, and this will in turn influence how they teach,” says Ansari.

Source: Science Daily
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/09/080924151007.htm

Children who are smacked or yelled at are much more likely to develop serious mental health problems by the age of three, research reveals.

A study of more than 700 toddlers found that those who were harshly disciplined by their parents were at much higher risk of depression and anxiety in later life. Disobedience and aggression were also common problems for infants who had been smacked or screamed at.

The study by Melbourne’s Murdoch Children’s Research Institute showed that parental stress could also have a huge impact on infant mental health.

Children from all walks of life were studied at the age of seven months, then followed up every six months until the age of three.

Researcher Jordana Bayer, a child psychologist, said up to 50% of early behavioural problems persisted through childhood. “In early childhood, behavioural problems such as hitting and kicking and biting and saying no are very common. But if they’re at high levels by preschool age then up to half will go on through childhood and lead potentially into adolescence with conduct disorder and drug use and depression and so on,” Dr Bayer said.

“It’s important for parents to pay attention to when young children behave well and actually reward that behaviour with praise and hugs.”

The findings, published in the latest edition of the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, will be used to develop family support programs.

Murdoch researcher and pediatrician Harriet Hiscock said doctors working with children should always ask about the parents’ stress levels. “There are ways to help reduce this stress and help parents manage their child’s behaviour in more calm and consistent ways.”

Source: The Age, Australia
http://www.theage.com.au/national/childs-mental-health-at-risk-from-tough-love-20080729-3mvf.html

Being born underweight leads to a shy and cautious wallflower-type personality, a McMaster University researcher has found.

People who feel inhibited in social situations, aren’t as talkative and are more anxious about taking risks, may not get these traits from their upbringing, said Louis Schmidt, lead author of the recent study and a professor of psychology, neuroscience and behaviour.

Such timidness potentially affects a person’s future and could lead to “delays in occupational obtainment, delays marrying and having children,” he added.

The study, which was published in the July issue of Pediatrics, harks back to the nature versus nurture debate about how someone’s personality gets developed.

“What plays a bigger role?” he asked. “We’re looking at how early life events and early experiences impact brain development.”

Schmidt hypothesized these personality traits could be because the underweight babies spent so much time in a neonatal unit - some for months at a time - and didn’t get the same chance to bond with their parents as normal-weight babies.

Underweight babies also are at risk for other medical problems, like compromised immune systems, and tend to face a higher rate of diabetes and heart disease as adults.

This study looked at 71 young adults, born in southern Ontario in the late 1970s and early 1980s who were underweight at birth, and compared them to 83 people who were born around the same time and region at a normal weight.

The young adults were asked a series of questions about how social they are and how likely they are to take risks.

Underweight babies typically weigh less than 2,500 grams (5.5 pounds). In Canada, one of every 16 babies are born underweight.

Schmidt’s study found the lower the birth weight, the more shy and inhibited the person is as an adult.

They have also been studying brain activity and hormones in these young adults, both those who were born underweight and at a normal weight.

The findings, which are currently under review, show being born underweight could also lead to an inability to handle stress, Schmidt said.

Source: Hamilton Spectator, Canada
http://www.thespec.com/News/Local/article/410333

DEAR DR. FOURNIER: I recently read your article answering a mother’s question about her daughter’s request to get tested for ADHD before taking her ACT/SAT college exams. If so diagnosed, the daughter could take them untimed and be prescribed ADHD medicine. In your column, you did not recommend getting diagnosed just for these exams.

I think you missed the daughter’s main point. I think it was obvious the student wished to be diagnosed so she could take the tests untimed.

Students specifically have a difficult time in the English and reading comprehension sections because of the amount of reading required to answer the questions.

What is wrong with giving a child more time to finish the test?

ASSESSMENT: Whether the student desired to get a prescription for ADHD medicine or merely wanted more time to take college entrance exams, my answer is still the same. I have worked with children for 28 years, and each year my office is inundated with calls from parents wanting to have their children tested and diagnosed with ADHD.

Unfortunately, many parents don’t want to go there. They would rather lie, cheat and steal: Lie to the doctors. Cheat the education system. And steal their child’s morality and innocence.

On another note, the letter you refer to specifically stated that the daughter wanted to get diagnosed with ADHD so she could take the ADHD pills as her her friends do. These pills are amphetamines — chemicals very similar to stronger drugs that can lead to addiction, depression, anorexia and even suicide.

Bottom line: No one should purposely get misdiagnosed with ADHD for any reason, whether or not he ever plans to take the medicine.

WHAT TO DO: Refuse to lower your moral standards to follow the crowd down the easy road. If parents are so willing to quickly sell their children out to cut a few corners, then why should we expect our children to make any different choices?

Even if you lived in a moral vacuum, there is another reason not to get your child misdiagnosed with ADHD. College boards and schools are quickly catching on to this trend, making the requirements more stringent to get untimed tests. Furthermore, if a student is somehow caught trying to beat the system, the stigma of being a liar and a cheat could follow him the rest of his life.

Will that student find success in school or the workplace if he is known to be dishonest? I surely wouldn’t hire anyone with that reputation.

Finally, there are many test-taking strategies and other ways to improve your child’s score on ACT/SAT exams. These skills will improve reading comprehension and allow your child to focus without the need of strong, mood-altering prescription drugs.

By using these methods, your child’s moral compass will remain intact, and you will teach your child a lesson in honesty that could last a lifetime.

Source: Henderson Gleaner, KY
http://www.courierpress.com/news/2008/jul/08/adhd-over-diagnosis-is-symptom-of-greater/

New questions are being raised about the safety of a drug used to treat attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder amid reports that more than 40 Canadian children have attempted suicide after taking it.

The issue highlights a long-brewing debate over the decision to prescribe powerful drugs to treat complex psychiatric problems among children.

“It does raise some concerns,” said Roger McIntyre, head of the Mood Disorders Psychopharmacology Unit at Toronto’s University Health Network.

“Childhood psychiatric disorders, I think, are an area [that] in and of itself remain a controversial topic.”

Health Canada said it received 189 reports of adverse reactions associated with atomoxetine, sold under the name Strattera, from the time it was put on the market in February, 2005, to the end of last year.

The reports included 55 suicide attempts - 41 of which were among children aged 6 to 17, and 12 that were adults between 18 and 45. Ages were unavailable in two reports, according to information published by Health Canada in its quarterly publication on adverse drug reactions.

Of the 55 suicide attempts, one patient died, three had not yet recovered, and 29 had recovered. The outcome was unknown in 22 reports.

It is not the first time concern has been raised about Strattera, and other ADHD drugs. In September, 2005, just months after the drug was put on the Canadian market, Health Canada warned that the drug may trigger behavioural changes or increase the risk of self-harm. A year later, it issued a warning that all ADHD drugs may be associated with agitation, hallucinations and other psychiatric problems among children.

One expert said the problems associated with this category of drugs should prompt serious questions about the fact they are often prescribed to young people with ADHD.

“The drugging of children for attention-deficit disorders is very controversial,” said Alan Cassels, a drug policy researcher at the University of Victoria. “You might say, ‘Why is this being prescribed at all?’ “

Another serious issue is the fact many parents, and even some doctors, may be unaware that certain drugs have been associated with problems, Mr. Cassels said. That’s because such warnings are often not well publicized and may not reach the ears of parents who must make the crucial decision about whether to put their child on powerful medications.

“If you’re a parent and your kid gets prescribed Strattera, do you know that drug comes with a risk of attempted suicide?” he said.

Many children may require medication to manage the symptoms of ADHD, according to Dr. McIntyre, who is also a psychiatry and pharmacology professor at the University of Toronto. But such disorders often coincide with other underlying psychiatric conditions that have not yet been recognized or diagnosed. As a result, ADHD medication could inadvertently trigger a suicidal reaction or other severe behavioural problems, he said.

It’s important for parents to inform themselves about the risks of a particular drug so they can look for any warning signs, Mr. Cassels said.

Eli Lilly Canada, which makes Strattera, declined to provide a spokesperson to respond to questions yesterday. But the company provided a written statement saying that Strattera is not the only stimulant-type ADHD treatment that has been associated with behaviours related to suicide. The company said more than five million people worldwide have taken the drug since it was approved.

“Lilly continues to actively monitor and evaluate all new safety data sources as they become available, and will take prompt and appropriate action based on new findings in accordance with established risk-management principles,” communications manager Jennifer Gordon said in a statement.

Source: Globe and Mail, Canada
http://tinyurl.com/6yysff

New programme helps children who have mastered phonics but struggle to comprehend

Teachers may be overlooking pupils who can read words out loud but do not understand their meaning. The increasing use of phonics in schools has helped children to decode how to say words, helping them to recognise the letters c-a-t and say “cat”.

Charles Hulme, professor of psychology, said: “These children are largely unrecognised in typical classrooms because what most people, including most teachers, understand by reading is being able to translate print into sound, to decode. Plenty of poor comprehenders are fine at reading something out loud, so teachers think they have adequate reading skills. But if you ask the child, ‘Why was John upset?’ they will look at you blankly or give you a fairly bizarre answer.

They are doing their best but they have a poor understanding of what is in the text.”

Professor Hulme, together with colleagues Paula Clarke, Emma Truelove and Maggie Snowling, have been testing different approaches to help eight-year-olds who struggle to understand words.

Their trial screened 1,000 children in 20 primary schools. In each class, eight pupils were chosen who showed the biggest discrepancy between reading aloud and reading with understanding.

The children were then assigned to one of four groups: they would either get help with spoken language; reading; both oral and reading; or were in the control group.

Every group had three 30-minute sessions a week with a teaching assistant for 20 weeks.

The oral language group were taught the meaning of words by having passages read to them; they would then discuss them and make up their own stories.

The text comprehension group were given help in reading texts and were shown how to make inferences from them and write stories. The combined group had elements from both programmes.

Professor Hume said all the programmes worked better than the control; the text intervention had the least impact; the oral group was slightly better, and the combined approach had most effect. He stressed that the statistical difference between the three interventions was not reliable but, he said it was encouraging that research had shown it was possible to help pupils who could decode words but not understand them.

Brayton Junior School in Selby, North Yorkshire, was among those which took part in the pilot, which was funded by the Economic and Social Research Council. Gloria Beecroft, its headteacher, said: “I noticed the difference within a term, particularly in children’s writing and their participation in class dicussions.”

Details on Read Me, the York Reading for Meaning Project, are at: www.york.ac.uk/res/crl/readme.html

Source: Times Educational Supplement, UK
http://www.tes.co.uk/2628549

Dear Dr. Batya,

As hard as we try not to, it seems inevitable that we end up fighting in front of our kids. They get upset and at times even try and intervene. Do you think our quarrelling has negative consequences for the kids or do they see us as just having different opinions and an open yet heated discussion?

Children have the potential to learn a tremendous amount by watching how two adults disagree and handle conflict, an inevitability in even every good marriage. How well they will do and whether they will be adversely impacted depends in part on how you resolve your arguments, the tone these arguments take, how well you get along when you are not fighting and your child’s age and stage of development. It will also depend on what the issues are, how often you fight and even when you fight.

The fact that you wonder if the children will be affected might suggest that something about the way the two of you disagree has you concerned. Ask yourself how your child acts during and after a fight. For example, does he take on the role of mediator and try and persuade you to resolve things? Does he raise his voice, run away, appear anxious or upset or not talk to or listen to one of you afterward? Does he imitate you? Is he overly dependent on his siblings in a way that suggests a lack of trust in his parents?

One thing we know for sure is that children are far more aware of fighting than parents think, so be aware of what information they get from an argument. They don’t miss a thing! It is natural and normal for couples to fight as no two people agree on everything. It can even be a healthy and constructive way to resolve tension if done appropriately. Children can learn much as observers and need not feel threatened or insecure, assuming they see that you respect and love each other, you quarrel, resolve your issues and then become warm and affectionate once again to each other.

Fighting in itself doesn’t destroy either a marriage or the children’s psyches. It is how you fight that determines how your child will ultimately do. What gets said and how is it said? Are you calm, considerate, open, honest and mature or do you interrupt, bring up issues that are not relevant to the argument or verbally abuse each other? Do you include your children in your fight, forcing them to take sides or blaming them for your issues?

While you can, and maybe even should, fight in front of your children, your goal is to work through and resolve issues by being both a good role model and teaching healthy conflict resolution skills. If you argue frequently, but never seem to resolve an issue, children will see that discussion does little to solve problems. When children experience constant conflict and either don’t see issues being resolved or don’t see the fight end with parents making up, the take-away message is that fighting is bad. They may see you as competitive, mean, scary and indecisive, and they themselves may feel insecure, stressed or assume their behavior is the cause of your conflict.

As it is, children may draw the wrong conclusions and sometimes completely misunderstand what you’re arguing about, or assume by your tone that you’re arguing when in fact you aren’t. Children need lots of reassurance that all is okay.

While many issues can, and should, be brought up in front of the kids, you should always be aware of the impact they might have. You know your own child and his needs best. Many disagreements or differences of parenting styles, for example, can be easily addressed in front of the children and input from the children even discussed. However, if two parents disagree such that one parent is more permissive than the other and brings this up in front of the child, the child will soon learn to manipulate his parents and ask the more lenient one for what he wants. Private or confidential issues around intimacy, sex, work, money or other people should also not be aired in front of your children.

If you think that fighting can never take place in front of your child, be aware that by protecting your child from anger or conflict, you may inadvertently deprive him of an opportunity to perfect interpersonal skills that he’ll need later in life. I have seen many an adult in my office who, having been shielded from all parental conflict as a child, has difficulty in his current relationships because he avoids conflict at all costs. Wouldn’t it have been better for him to have learned that parents who love each other can acknowledge their differences and frustrations yet be tolerant, accepting and ultimately forgiving, and move on?

In an atmosphere of love within the family, there will be room for disagreements and differences of opinion because people can tolerate this and express themselves constructively and in a healthy way. Stay tuned until next time when I’ll address just how to argue and how to resolve quarrels and provide some rules for fighting fairly.

Source: Jerusalem Post, Israel
http://tinyurl.com/3ekota