Saving Siblings from Themselves
Your kids are normal.
The screeching, the squabbling, the battles in the bathroom and the soul-sucking, heart-wrenching, nerve-wracking, clashes in the car — all normal.
Brothers and sisters bicker — lots.
“We define conflict as people who have opposing goals,” says Michal Perlman, assistant professor in the department of human development and applied psychology at the University of Toronto and a researcher who has studied sibling relationships extensively.
“And when we looked at 40 families over a two-week period during six, 90-minute sessions, we found that preschool siblings are in conflict six to eight times per hour,” says Perlman.
“That doesn’t mean that they’re pummelling each other six to eight times an hour, but they were at odds with each other that frequently.”
Parents probably won’t be all that surprised by those statistics.
Even the most mild-mannered child seems to completely lose control when his or her other sibling takes the last blue Lego or dares to eat the last Oreo.
While there’s no doubt that some argue more than others, as long as there are relationships, conflict is going to occur, says Perlman.
“We do find that siblings who are closer in age — especially siblings who are less than four years apart in age — engage in more conflict, but that may just be because they also tend to interact more,” she says.
Natalie Hjelsvold knows all about sibling interaction, although she says she feels she might fare better than many.
“I’m pretty lucky,” says Hjelsvold, the mother of three including two daughters ages seven and five and a one-year-old son. “For the most part, things are pretty calm around here, but we still have to deal with our fair share of ‘it’s-mines’ and ‘don’t-touch-thats.’ I try not to get involved unless the volume level really rises though.”
Perlman says most parents try to avoid intervening — even though her research suggests intervention does help to keep conflicts from escalating into aggression.
Her research found intervention was associated with children using fewer power strategies and more sophisticated negotiation strategies.
“The results suggest that parental intervention is a benefit,” says Perlman. “When compared with non-intervention, the fights were much shorter and less aggressive.”
While it may sometimes be justified to let kids sort things out for themselves, it’s the parents’ job to make sure the children have the tools to do so, says Perlman.
Parents may hesitate to intervene because they don’t have the energy to do so or they may just feel ineffective, and that could be because the majority of conflicts between siblings are never actually resolved.
Two researchers, including the University of Waterloo’s Hildy Ross, studied how sibling conflicts typically end and found there are four possible conclusions: compromise, reconciliation, submission and no resolution.
The majority end without resolution.
Parents, however, tend to care less about resolution than they do about reconciliation.
“I think one of the things we do that really works is that we always make sure the kids apologize,” says Hjelsvold. “Forgiveness is a choice. It’s not about feeling all light and fluffy inside, and we tell the kids that we expect them to forgive each other.”
The research by Perlman found parents respond to about half of children’s aggression — especially if there is crying.
It also found that aggression was higher in first-born children than siblings, but decreased over time.
Perlman says is important because aggression should lessen over time, and should not increase in general.
“Most two-year-olds exhibit levels of aggression that would get an adult arrested,” she says. “That’s mostly due to a lack of alternative strategies.”
Building aggression generally does get parents to intervene in a conflict though.
“I think the volume level is usually what gets me to intervene,” says Hjelsvold. “That’s when I take my cue to step in.”
Parents may also step in when they are dragged in by tattling.
Older children tattled significantly more often than younger children, according to Ross.
In terms of tattle-worthy offences, older children seemed to see property damage as especially reprehensible, while younger children are concerned about physical aggression.
And that’s where mom the mediator comes in. There’s lots of research that supports the idea that parents trained to mediate disputes between siblings see less conflict and less aggression.
Perlman advises parents to come up with solutions that respect the rights of both children.
“When kids are pulling the paints back and forth, it might seem obvious to put them between the kids, but that’s not always obvious to them,” says Perlman.
“By putting the paints in the middle and explaining that they can both reach them that way, you’re telling them they have equal rights.” She says questions work well too.
“If the children are engaged in a conflict, tell them to look at each other and say, ‘Look at her face. How do you think she’s feeling? Why do you think she’s sad?’ Kids need to understand the impact they have on each other and look beyond themselves.”
And when push comes to shove, just remember that this too shall pass. Teenagers don’t fight, do they?
Source: Calgary Herald, Canada
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