It’s a moment rich in parental lore, the dreaded Big Talk. It’s the time when every parent sits down with Junior and tells him about the Birds and the Bees. After the talk, Junior goes off wiser, ready to make all the right decisions. Mom or Dad wipes the sweat off his or her brow and feels relieved, knowing the job is done.

Well, it may not be so simple.

Talking to kids about sex is more important than ever. Studies show that when parents talk with their kids about sex, the kids are more likely to delay intercourse. When they do have sex, they are more likely to use birth control and have fewer partners. All of this is good, since sex carries the risks of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, not to mention emotional risks.

But what should that “communication” look like? A new study in this month’s journal Pediatrics sheds some light on that question.

The study is actually a side study, so to speak. Researchers were evaluating a program that teaches parents how to talk better with their teen children about sexuality. But this article looked at the comparison group. These were the 312 adolescents (mean age 13) whose parents didn’t do the training program.

As part of the study, kids filled out questionnaires at various times. They were asked whether their parents had discussed certain topics with them. There were 22 topics. They included deciding whether to have sex, choosing a method of birth control, and getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant. The kids also were asked about the quality of their relationship with their parents. This included how easy it was to talk with their parents in general, and how easy it was to talk with them about sex.

Here’s what the researchers found:

* Those who had repeated talks with their parents about sexuality felt more comfortable talking to their parents — not just about sexuality, but in general.

* Those whose parents talked with them about a wide range of topics felt more openness in their relationship.

There were definitely limitations to the study. The authors themselves point this out. First, the families that were studied were not just picked off the street. They wanted to talk with their children about sexuality. They had volunteered to take part in a program to help them do this. (Then, as part of the study design, they were assigned to the control group instead.) It’s hard to know what the results would have shown if parents were indeed picked off the street.

Second, it’s impossible to know for sure that repeated talks caused children to feel more comfortable. We also can’t know if talking about many topics caused more openness. It’s possible that the parents had better communication and better relationships with their children long before they started talking about sex.
What should you do?

Talking to kids about sexuality can feel uncomfortable. Still, it’s one of the most important jobs of a parent. Here are some suggestions:

* Talk early. Don’t wait until high school! Start talking with your kids about sexuality when they are 10 to 12 years old. Actually, the groundwork can and should be laid as early as preschool. You can talk with small children about their bodies and feelings. Then, when they get to be 10, it won’t be weird to talk to them about sex.

* Talk often. It doesn’t have to be a formal, sit-down thing. Steal opportunities whenever you can. You could do this when you’re in the car, or cooking dinner. Talk about sexual topics that come up in music you’re listening to, or movies and TV shows you’re watching.

* Don’t just talk about where babies come from. Kids also need information on things like masturbation, nocturnal emissions, sexual orientation, orgasms and prevention of sexually transmitted diseases. If you don’t give them the information, they are going to get it elsewhere (from their friends or the media). Don’t miss your chance to give them good information.

* Talk about feelings, too. It’s easier sometimes to talk about facts than feelings, but feelings are important when it comes to sex. Talk about peer pressure and about deciding when to have sex. Also talk about how sex can make you feel, not just physically but emotionally. (…)

Source: Gather.com, MA
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