Skill Training Is the Answer Say Authorities!

Some experts in the field say indiscriminate praise by adults sets children up for low standards and lack of respect for authority. The Human Potential Movement’s dictum of heaping praise on children has come under question. The American Psychological Association Monitor quoted William Damon, Ph. D. (currently a professor of education and Director of the Center on Adolescence at Stanford University) as saying that the self-esteem movement has tried to offset the shame-based parenting of past generations. “This may well be a reaction against the heavy, guilt inducing parenting style of the past, but now we have gone too far.”

Martin Seligman, author of Learned Optimism and creator of the concept of learned helplessness, which is a major theory of depression, was quoted as saying “…. What needs improving is not self-esteem, but improvement of our skills (for dealing) with the world…. Bolstering self-esteem without changing hopelessness or passivity… . accomplishes nothing.”

A long look at the effects of the ways that adults praise children is long overdue. Remember the old saying, “Don’t give a man a fish; teach him how to fish.” Generic cues that praise children and are typically used to promote self-esteem such as “nice job”, “super” and “keep up the good work” start to lose their meaning when overused. Children become immune to bland, general cues. They shrug off compliments when they know they have not done a good job. Children need to be held accountable for their poor work as well as their hurtful actions.

Teach children to evaluate their work and praise themselves. Learning an internal phrase that allows the child to motivate himself is a powerful skill that will last a lifetime. You can work yourself out of the job as primarily motivator when you teach children their own set of Helper Words that they can carry around inside them. Some Helper Words to encourage children to use self-talk to make good choices and feel good about their effort include:

- Do you like what you accomplished? Tell yourself, “I worked hard and did a good job.”

- How do you feel about this worksheet? Give yourself a big pat on the back. Tell yourself, “Right on!”

- Did you remember to praise yourself for a job well done? Tell yourself that you made a good choice.

- What can you say to yourself to get out of this problem? How will you feel when you figure it out?

- Stop and think. How do you feel about what you just did? Remind yourself, “I feel good about being responsible for my behavior.”

Asking children to evaluate and praise themselves when appropriate helps tie in associational learning of high standards, their effort and feeling good about themselves.

Source: Gather.com, MA
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